Sorry Steve: it's not me, it's you
I used to be a real geek. I used to know the codename of every variant of every CPU, and which stepping would overclock best. I used to know the build numbers of all the XP Service Packs, and reinstall so often I still know my serial number by heart.
Then I met Steve.
First date, second date, I'm yours
My Thomson Lyra shuddered in my pocket, knowing that in that instant it had become obsolete. Sure my short-lived Sony MD walkman had been attractive in a functional kind of way, but this was beautiful. I’d never thought anyone could make electronics as pretty as an iPod.
I was lucky enough to get my very own shiny shiny later that summer. USB support was still in the works and iTunes was new even to OSX, let alone Windows; I was stuck with flaky FireWire drivers and ephPod. I didn't care though, if anything it was comforting: a familiar level of dysfunctionality in this polished new world of chrome finishes and softly fading backlights.
Upgrade time came around. I realised that not only did I have no idea what came after Prescott, but I didn't really care. I wanted a computer that didn't need a 24 hour run of Prime95 every time I changed a BIOS setting, in fact I didn't even want a BIOS. I wanted something like my iPod; something simple – something that Just Works.
And so it came to be that I was the proud – if slightly conflicted – owner of a glossy white MacBook. I installed Windows XP on it immediately – I needed an escape route for when this strange non-maximizable world got to be too much.
I spent a while trying to figure out how to install printer drivers, or how to uninstall a program. The printer Just Worked, and putting the App in the trash really did remove it. Everything I expected to be complicated was simple. Everything worked the way my mum would have expected it to. I was suspicious. After all, what was really in this 40MB .app file? And where the hell had it put my photos?
I dug around a bit, and eventually found my JPEGs scattered across a seemingly arbitrary directory structure and duplicated in miniature. I found some icons, a few binary lumps and some kind of XML manifest, and had no idea how they were supposed to fit together. The more I dug, the clearer it became that I was doing it wrong.
I realised that if this was going to work, I had to stop trying to control every little detail of my computer's operation – give up the absolute confidence I had had in Windows that I would be able to fix anything short of a hard disk failure. It felt like driving with my eyes closed, but the longer everything kept on working, the less I cared about how it did it.
It took weeks, months even, but I learnt to play by Steve's rules. In return I got a computer that Worked, without ever having to go back and fight with my old friends Regedit and MSIExec in the now disparaged Bliss waiting for me on the other partition.
Right place, right time
On paper, I loved my Nokia N73. It had a 3.2MP camera with a flash and auto-focus. It had 3G and a real web browser. I could hook up a bluetooth GPS unit and run TomTom as a native app. In practice though, it was a bit shit. I was only too happy to trade it in for an App-free, 2G only iPhone with a pitiful excuse for a camera because yet again, Apple had made something that Just Worked.
Technology used to be driven by it's limitations. You made what you could with what you had. Yes the CD has to be that big because we can't make the dots any smaller. No we can't clock it higher because it'll melt. Finally, we'd reached the point where you could pick a shape and make the dots fit. Think up something awesome, then go build it. Somehow, only Steve seemed to notice.
Let everyone else try and squeeze in an extra Megapixel or compete over who can bundle the biggest microSD card. Put an accelerometer in a phone so people can down a virtual pint, and nobody will even think to ask whether it supports A2DP or HSPA+.
It's not me, it's you
Six years, six iPhones, dozens of MacBooks and countless iPods later – and it's all over.
It starts when you see it. It's shiny and it fits in your hand perfectly. You want it even before your friend has told you how amazing it is. It continues in the store. The casually helpful and perpetually smiling staff appease your concerns about compatibility and reiterate everything your friend said, all while subtly justifying the hefty price tag. They're winning you over with a warm feeling of calm and simplicity, describing a stress-free world where everything Just Works. You don't know it yet, but you're joining Them, learning the scriptures so you can recite them to your friends later. You're loving every second of it.
Double thickness and a soft matte finish that just feels nice: even the bag your new iPhone came in is shiny. You can't wait to get back and begin the unboxing ceremony, but you take the long way home. You've earned this. You're allowed to take just a little pleasure in the covetous looks it's getting.
You lift open the thoughtfully designed box and take out your new toy. You've been building up to this since you saw your friend Swipe to Unlock. Peel off the protective plastic and it's yours.
You've shown all your friends, and learnt all the not-so-obvious double-taps and shakes to navigate round your phone. All is good. You're not sure why you can't use the new Apple turn-by-turn navigation when TomTom works just fine, but hey - it must just be more advanced. Something to look forward to when you get the new one. You sit down to see which friends are out having a cheeky glass of wine (on a Tuesday?! o.m.g.), why not AirPlay some music to your Apple TV? For some reason it will only play the track after the one you want. Computers, eh? Nobody expects Apple to be perfect. You'll just AirPlay from your laptop instead. Thinking about it, it'll be easier to do that anyway. Stupid You. Oh it's restarting. It's a while since you did that, it probably just needed to sort itself out. Thanks to that SSD option you went for it's booted up and you're ready to go in no time. Ah, there's been a problem with iTunes Match and you'll have to log in again. Never mind, should only take a sec. You hope that doesn't mean rescanning your music library, again, but you know it does. This doesn't feel like that stress-free world you were told about, but.. ah there we go, works now. Thanks Steve!
Saturday afternoon and you've failed to get the new jeans you wanted. You're just wondering whether to get the 55 or the Central Line home when you walk past a queue of people outside the Apple store; they're trying hard to recreate last year's shared feeling of giddy anticipation but the blogger trying to film a documentary about buying the New iPad keeps getting in the way. You know Steve wants you to have one, but you still haven't quite understood what it's for (Stupid You). You haven't had your phone long but AirPlay is still broken and the home button seems to be on strike – you know you're supposed to have the new one by now. Maybe you'll just go in and have a look.
You wait patiently to be persuaded to buy the 32GB model while the store greeter who directed you to where you're standing stares vacantly into the middle distance. You overhear your new best friend reciting marketing half-truths about the virtues of SSD; his demonstration clearly shows that it makes a big difference when resuming from Suspend-to-RAM. Did you see that? Instant. Well that's ok, you already know the spec. If you're honest, you'd be happy if he just saved you the embarrassment of having to ask the tourist busy updating her status on all the social networks if you could please just have a little go. Deep breath. He'll be with you shortly.
You look at the wall of accessories and wonder which ones you'll buy. They come separately these days so you can pick the exact ones you want. You'll probably only need one or two. They're only £25 each. You'll come back another day for those. Except wait, how much is this all again? You know it's not supposed to matter. It didn't – not when this felt like Prada – but now you're not sure it isn't just the Emperor's New Clothes.
Another long hard look around and you start to come out of it. Do you really need this? More importantly, do you even want this?
Dear Steve
In our privileged world of 1080p YouTube and ubiquitous connectivity, nothing is worse than disappointment. Apple's brand is built around the experience, and it's an experience that's been eroded by high volumes and high margins. Steve showed us what matters, and while the market was quick to learn, Apple seem all too happy to forget. What used to be a choice between Finest and Extra Value is now Vanilla or Chocolate. You only have to disappoint once to get left behind next time.
Dear Steve. You need to make a choice. Bundle an accessory or two next time, hire an extra genius and please, stop making us buy those stupid adapters. Restore the experience, restore the faith. We don't need much. If that's too hard then that's ok, we understand. You're one of them now – just another mass producer of commodity electronics. Please, just do us the courtesy of admitting it.
